At the moment feeling a bit like a rudderless boat. My journey towards 'independence' my friend Jca said. Can't understand this agitation. This impatience,  given to drama at the drop of a pin.... stop. Breathe deeply. I am having to look for my reserves of compassion at the moment. Just having to have a conversation with T is a strain. Can't seem to understand how it got here. The periods of clarity that made me leave Mdm - to re connect to that, and to abide more by it. Not be distracted and therefore scatter away energies. 

What I missed most , was that little child that smiled, from within, through rain, sleet, hail and fire. That child that did'nt just smile but did so with an accompanying wink. That reassurance she emanated, that 'its all a game' - made life in general worth living.

Of course, she had to be nurtured. Thoughts of goodness, a quick flash of a smile at a stranger, the awesome mystery of the skies, staring wonder struck at a passing flock of storks, to breathe deeply and be with 'there is nothing to run to but just to be here and now' were her food.

The first signs of her starvation started around four years ago. The famine wasn't a result of a single season failed monsoon, but whose seeds were germinated, with no inkling of it, well before, that took their cosy time and space consuming the occasional darkness until the roots had established their hold, the plumule metamorphosed into true leaves, stems that bypassed the bryophytic stage directly to become the angiosperm bearing flowers, seeds and fruits flourishing in the near complete darkness that now seemed to engulf while my child was reduced to a mere temporal existence much like the anaerobic bacteria that buried themselves in slime as the oxygen levels on primitive earth rose to lethal levels for them.

What a paradox! Flowering of this tree while my child starved.

This tree had to be done away with. The effects this tree had could fill pages of a psychology book. Removal of it, as one saw it, was gonna take time and patience. But first, to acknowledge that the tree was present. Then to realize that it required weeding. Then to get to work. And at various points of this axeing work, remind oneself, reassure oneself and get on. Wouldn't the tree have left its scars , even after its removal? Would it ever be the same? Same??? Same???? What is same? What is EVER same? Its a trick played by your mind. A mind that seeks security. It was wounded enough. It did'nt feel whole. Hence its seeking. But surely all this would be addressed once the weeding got done. No no, dousing it with Monsanto's newest ***cide wouldn't be a good solution. It would kill the tree alright but also the substratum.
The substratum had to be as intact as possible for it to support my child at some unforeseeable future. Hmm.

Chop away, chop away, a branch here, a twig there, a fruit here and a seed there.

Funnily, this tree couldn't host the variety of fauna that usually thrive on one such as this. How could they? They live in a tree of life not in one of desolation.

Once the upper branches suffered repeated attacks, the tree sensed its demise. The resolve of the practitioner ( out of sheer necessity) was not lost on the tree. It is still dying. My child has managed to survive this onslaught. She seems a little shaky, but getting better.

She realizes the importance of  step by step progress. After all the earth's face with her numerous land forms are proof.  

It does that to you. Small things become very meaningful.

You want to write so much and you are overwhelmed by the content and you just sit and be awed. ( Ok, close mouth lest a fly gets in, no flies here. Only mosquitoes. What? I thought the fumigation done by the corporation was effective.Must be some open drains closeby.Ya. The downstairs people use such a volume, the clogged drains require cleaning every week.We actually did do a soak pit with 5 bores 10 feet deep sunk into the sand for better seeping of the sullage. The problem was, this sullage was a mixture of porridge and vegetable pieces.So, the pit attained saturation limit in no time.Then the various brains got to-gether and decided to separate the porridge from the rest and give it to the cows that walk past the house everyday. Now, this worked.The filtration pit did'nt have to undergo the frequent cleaning as it used to. The stench emanating from the drain, considerably reduced.Now, how did we come here?? Ahh...mosquitoes and open drains...)

Now, back to the drawing.

We spring from nothing and return to it. Being there, in that knowledge - hey, you are soaring high already!! Its worth living in that state.

So much has happened these past months. Even after you've realized that internal struggle is the most important and keeping thoughts and feelings in check is utmost, you falter. Stumble.

My anger towards my office colleagues reached unmanageable proportions to the extent that I was seething within. Every time I reminded myself that its their world, its 'their' life, there was a sense of space between my wrathful thoughts and 'me'. The key I think is to increase that space. A very very important lesson learnt was not to have any 'role' models. Not to look  up to someone too much. Admire from a distance , nod, smile, move on. Take what is relevant. Not adhering to this landed me in big trouble.

My great granny passed away a couple of days ago. 24th night to be precise.The most remarkable thing about my granny was her mental agility at that age.Her memory, her presence of mind, her wit.She'll be greatly missed.

I HATE sad faces. I hate sadness.Maybe coz, I was  in that state for some time recently. 

I like mischieveous faces.Faces with twinkling eyes.

I like being happy. Sickeningly happy. If you are asking who wouldnt, well, you wouldnt ask this question if you have observed people long enough.Hmm. 

I like children. Children that play around, especially. 

I believe in Magic. Magic of a smile. Miracle of an understanding gesture. I love dreaming. Dreaming big and therefore end up not doing my work at present.:P (My bad!)

I know nothing matters and its all a big game. But I keep forgetting this and have to constantly remind myself.

I fear hurting people. I have done it , still do it but hate myself later for it.

I know "THIS IS IT" and there's no other. But I keep forgetting and blah blah blah.

I loved someone deeply. Still do, will do. But I recognize the need to realize I can't have a relationship with him and therefore have to move on.Its taking time, but I will move on. (Hey! Remember I don t like sad faces... not gonna put up one u see)

I am supposed to be working on an Approval drawing now. My friend, Partha's house, to be precise.But you know what I am doing. 

I like my friends. Hmm.. Love them. I am scared of 'losing' them.You know what I mean. I may not be in touch with them all. But I have their best interests at heart.

I am intrigued with people I don't like. Why don t I like them? What is it in me that prevents me from liking them? No answer. Its a process. Its the question that matters and one's relationship with that question.Else, it is as it is.

I like to call myself a Warrior. Arrey.. chumma rey. Sounds good. 

I hate it when people dispense with advice. When they believe it is their mandate to do so. 

I have a deep inferiority complex that I am dumb. That I am unintelligent. So far its not left me and so I 'll learn to live with the complex and my dumb self!

I am liking creating this blog. 

I used to have deep reverence for life in general. I have to re-learn it.

I act as an arrogant rat and I hate it later.

I have an effective communication issue.

I seem to have very poor memory these days.

I am a process in the making just as you.

 

My world is a Mad world

Would you like to play a role in it?

Brace yourself, it could be dangerous

A Roller-coaster Ride assured though.